


Can I go where you go?

by lightningmaystrike



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:33:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23726125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightningmaystrike/pseuds/lightningmaystrike
Summary: They say there's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women. So when Satan herself arrived at Seattle Grace unannounced, Meredith never expected the solidarity and loyalty that the glamorous neonatal surgeon would offer her.
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery
Comments: 101
Kudos: 134





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm back writing fanfic for the first time in.. hmmmmm... 5 years? I feel like I should warn y'all that I have no idea if I'll keep this up and I've never written for anything other than Swan Queen before so who knows how this will go! But I've been obsessing as of late and just had to do this. This fic starts in Season 2 Episode 1 of Grey's and is canon divergent which means.... that this first chapter is mostly just the canon episode scenes plus how I imagine Meredith's inner monologue. But I promise that the next chapters (if I ever write them LOL) will have more added scenes that diverge from canon. also yes i suck at titles and so just used a cheesy taylor swift lyric because i'm trash like that.

The last 24 hours had been a whirlwind for Meredith Grey. Things had been going so well with Derek, and then, out of nowhere, he has a wife! A wife, who's here, in Seattle! A wife who is a genius and gorgeous neonatal surgeon, who Richard had brought here, all the way from New York, to perform one of the most badass surgeries Meredith might ever see. And now, Meredith somehow found herself not only working in the same hospital as her (ex?) boyfriend's wife, but actually working on Addison's service on the TTTS patient, Julie Philips. And it was intimidating as hell. 

Despite a couple of subtle jabs though, Addison was being quite civil to her. It was unexpected, to say the least, but it still didn't help the sheer amount of tension Meredith felt having to just be in the same room as the tall, glamourous, red-head. But that tension was nothing compared to the humiliation of the patient overhearing Addison's comment about Meredith sleeping with her husband. Although Meredith pretended to ignore Julie Philips' snide comments about Meredith "going after another woman's husband," during the ultrasound, Meredith couldn't help but feel the shame of being seen as the "other woman." And so, it was with this newly surfaced feeling of dread and humiliation that Meredith found herself back in the patient's room with Addison after the successful TTTS surgery. Addison was updating Julie on how the surgery went, but, of course, with Meredith's luck, her humiliation could only continue. 

"Your babies are doing very well. And Dr. Grey will be back to check on you in a little while," Addison was saying, as she wrapped up her explanation.   
"Actually I'd prefer if Dr. Grey were taken off the case," Julie responded.   
It took all of Meredith's self-control not to cover her face with her hands. Of course, Julie would bring this up again. Of course, she would do so in front of Addison. Could Meredith's life get any worse?   
"Why?" Addison asked in confusion. "Is there a problem?"  
"She reminds me of someone I don't like very much," the Julie explained, giving Addison a loaded look. "Someone my husband likes a lot. Particularly in lingerie. You understand." Julie continued to look at Addison, as if they were supposed to share some mutual understanding.   
But, much to Meredith's surprise, Addison responded, "No... no I don't understand." Her voice now carried a hard stubborn tone, making it clear that she and Julie were _not_ in fact in on anything together.   
"Well, she's sleeping with your husband, right?" said Julie with an accusatory nod towards Meredith. 

Addison took a breath, "Miss Phillips. I lack Dr. Grey's class and patience, so let me set the record straight. My husband didn't cheat on me, I cheated on him. So, the wronged woman here? Dr. Grey. So, I think you owe her one hell of an apology." With that Addison flipped the chart closed with a snap and turned swiftly to exit the room. Meredith stood dumbfounded for a moment before following Addison out into the hallway. 

Rushing to catch up with the other woman, Meredith said, "you didn't have to do that you know."   
"Do what?" Addison slowed, turning towards Meredith.   
"I could have handled it. I was handling it" Meredith continued.   
"Yes... but you shouldn't have to handle it. Even if you can," Addison responded with a sad smile, before turning forward again to resume her quick pace down the hallway. This time Meredith let her go. Her mind felt foggy as she tried to make sense of what had just happened. 

So, Addison had cheated on Derek. Addison had also just defended Meredith. Had said she, Meredith, was blameless. Of course, Meredith herself knew this logically. Derek hadn't told her he was married. There was no way she could have known. But that didn't stop her from feeling like a slutty, guilty, homewrecker ever since Addison had made her sudden appearance at Seattle Grace. And Meredith had been so sure that Addison saw here as just that: the homewrecker who came in and ruined her perfect reunion with Derek. 

Addison might have ruined her own marriage initially, what with the cheating, but Meredith was the reason Derek had moved on. Still, Addison apparently didn't hold it against her, and Meredith found a surprising amount of relief in that. Like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Although, she couldn't understand why she felt so relieved. Why should she care what Addison thought of her? 

At this point, she decided it was best to stop overanalyzing her own reaction. She would accept Addison's defense of her. She would take Addison's almost apology for putting her in her current position between Addison and Derek (because it did seem like an apology, didn't it?), and she would accept the feeling of relief without questioning it. 

* * *

Later that night, Meredith went to see Derek, deciding that, for her own peace of mind, she needed his side of the story. But his explanation still didn't make her feel any better about the situation. It didn't change the fact that he had had a wife this entire time and had never even mentioned it. It wasn't just that he was _still married_ , he hadn't mentioned to her that he'd ever been married at all! How had they known each other, and been somewhat involved with each other, for nearly a year now and he still had never once mentioned that he'd been married?! 

"Well, what was I to you? The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?" Meredith demanded, a fresh wave of anger emerging. Unlike last night, this new wave of anger was directed at Derek alone. After spending an entire day with Addison, Meredith couldn't find it within herself to feel anger towards Addison anymore. Not anger for her showing up unannounced in Seattle and blowing up Meredith's life, and sure as hell not anger on behalf of Derek for the cheating. No, Meredith no longer felt anything but an unexpected loyalty towards Addison, no doubt the result of Addison's chivalry in defending her earlier. But Derek, Derek she was furious with. 

Derek spoke again, "You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's all I know." His tone was calm, but despite the intense sincerity in his eyes, Meredith could not feel reassured. 

"It's not enough" she stated coldly before turning silently back to her car and driving away. 

She didn't really know where she was driving until she found herself back at the hospital in the OB wing.   
"Is Dr. Addison Shepherd still here?" she asked one of the nurses.   
"She left about an hour ago," the nurse responded. "Is there something wrong with her patient? I could give her a call."   
"No, that's ok" Meredith responded.

As she walked back out to the parking lot and drove home through the now quiet Seattle streets, Meredith couldn't quite rationalize the crushing disappointment she felt. What would she have done if she _had_ caught Addison before she left for the night? If Meredith were honest, she didn't even know why she'd gone looking for Addison in the first place. 


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cristina is asking questions, Meredith tries to focus on the medicine, and Addison is still around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this chapter borrows some dialogue from 2x02, it, for the most part, has diverged from canon. So far this story is really just Meredith's POV, and while I'd like to at some point get Addison's POV in, I'm not really sure when or how that will happen. Maybe next chapter. I'm honestly shocked that I got this written so quickly. so who knows, maybe I will stay motivated. Thank you to everyone who commented and gave kudos to the first chapter last night <3

“You didn’t come to Joe’s last night,” Cristina said accusingly the next morning as she and Meredith walk into the hospital together. 

“I know… I’m sorry. I had to do something,” Meredith responded, avoiding Cristina’s now curious looks. 

“I wanted to live vicariously through you getting trashed with tequila,” Cristina said with a pout. “You know, since I have to do this whole not drinking thing, what with the pregnancy. Which, by the way, I’ve decided I’m not keeping it. But you would know that, if you’d showed up to Joe’s last night.” 

Meredith can’t tell if Cristina is actually mad at her or just jokingly mad, so she placates, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you Cristina. I had my own stuff, but I promise, if you need to talk about it, we can talk tonight.” 

“Yeah, I know your McDreamy has a McHottie wife and your life is over, bla bla. It’s fine. But when I make the appointment, you have to be my emergency contact. Burke can’t know. Anyway, I don’t wanna talk about it right now,” Cristina shrugged, now refusing to look directly at Meredith.  Meredith could tell that while Cristina might not be upset at  _ her, _ she was still definitely upset. But they had to get to rounds, and she knew Cristina wouldn’t want to talk about it where people might be eavesdropping, so she let the subject drop. 

They continued to make their way to the locker rooms in contemplative silence until Cristina turned to look at her curiously again. 

“So where were you then? You know, since you weren’t at Joe's?”

For some reason Meredith felt like she was being caught red-handed. Guilty of something, but she wasn’t sure what.

“I went to see Derek,” she said, which was mostly true. 

“Oh come on Mer,” Cristina replied, “Please tell me you aren’t about to forgive him and jump right back in his pants that quick.”

“Oh no, I didn’t sleep with him. And I’m not going to. Derek and I are over. Like for real over. If Addison wants him back, she can have him back for all I care. Although to be honest I don’t even know if that’s what she wants. She did say she was only here for the TTTS case.” 

“Yeah. well, I guess we’ll see,” Cristina said, and they exit the locker room with the rest of their class to assemble for rounds in front of the surgical board. 

Bailey had begun summarizing the big cases they had for the day and handing out assignments when Cristina elbowed Meredith to get her attention. 

“McHottie, 12 o'clock” she whispered, nodding down the hall where Addison had just come around the corner in full New York glam underneath her crisp white lab coat. “It looks like the She-Shepherd will be here for a while longer,” Cristina said.

Meredith pretended to ignore her, to be nonchalant about the whole thing. She didn’t care. Really. Addison could stay in Seattle however long she liked. Meredith didn’t want Derek back, and Addison was good to work with. She tried, rationally, to convince herself that she was unaffected. But she still couldn’t stop the momentary racing of her heart as she watched Addison strut down the hall and turn into another corridor.

“Grey, did you hear me?” Bailey admonished. 

“What?” Meredith said, embarrassed that she’d been caught ogling after her ex-boyfriend's wife. 

“You’re with Shepherd again today. The female Shepherd that is.” Bailey put up her hands as though she expected Meredith to fight this, “Don’t look at me, she requested you again.”

“Right. Okay, fine,” said Meredith robotically. She still felt slightly frozen to the spot, until Cristina elbowed her again, whispering “let’s go!” and she realized the interns were dispersing. 

“Were you this distracted with She-Shepherd yesterday??” Cristina demands, sounding more judgemental than Meredith thought she deserved. 

“What? No! It was fine with Shepherd yesterday. I’m fine, I’m good. Just surprised she requested me again, that’s all.”

“Okay, good,” said Cristina, “Just focus on the medicine. Remember, we’re gonna be the best!” 

“You know it!” Meredith called after her as Cristina split in the opposite direction to collect and study the charts for her own case. 

From there, preparing for the day and going through rounds went smoothly, and Meredith was proud of herself for doing as Cristina said. Focusing on the medicine and forgetting about Derek and the Drama. That is, until Addison pulled her aside after rounds.

“Are you okay working with me again today?” Addison asked in a low voice. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable again.” Her reference to the Julie Phillips debacle of the previous day went unsaid. “And, I promise that I didn’t just request you out of spite to annoy Derek. Well, I mean maybe it was a little out of spite, but it is true that you were highly recommended. You’re good, and I enjoyed working with you yesterday.” She trailed off with just the smallest hint of pink rising in her cheeks, as though she’d just realized she was rambling. 

“Oh no, it’s totally fine!” Meredith exclaimed, “I’m here to learn.” 

“Good,” said Addison with a radiant smile, “then I’m here to teach. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” And with that, she was back in full attending mode, instructing Meredith on labs to order and procedures to brush up on. 

* * *

By lunchtime, Meredith was feeling what could only be described as giddy. She had survived working the morning with Addison, and most of the tension from the previous day seemed to have melted away overnight. Although, that didn’t stop her heart from skipping a beat every time Addison gave her that dazzling smile. But she could think about  _ that _ later. 

And it was this state of giddiness that was suddenly and fully crushed when she found herself cornered by Derek in the stairwell on her way down to meet Cristina for lunch in the basement. 

“I heard you’re working with Addie again today. I’m so sorry for that” he said. And it was as though someone had dumped a cold bucket of water over her head as the weight of the previous evening and the hurt of Derek’s omission washed over her again. 

“Yeah, well, I’d rather work with her than you,” Meredith said coldly. “Just leave me alone.”

Derek looked annoyed. “Did we not communicate last night? Did you hear what I was saying?” 

“Your wife screwed your best friend,” Meredith said dully, with a sarcastic “big whoop” left unsaid. 

“Yes, and then from that point on she no longer existed to me anymore.” Derek’s voice now had an urgency to it, as though he needed for Meredith to understand him, and not only understand but also forgive. 

Meredith was unimpressed. “So, you had marital amnesia?”

“No. Come on, I bared my soul to you last night”

“It’s not enough,” Meredith said, before elbowing past him to continue down the stairs. “Oh, and did you ever stop to think, that maybe, just maybe, she had a reason too?” Meredith called back over her shoulder. But she didn’t wait for Derek’s response as she finally made her way down to the basement. 

So, she was defending Addison now. And not just Addison the nice, smart, and beautiful surgeon Addison, but Addison the adulterer Addison. The Addison had hurt someone who, until two days ago, Meredith had loved more than anyone. But, Meredith figured it was only fair. Addison had defended her yesterday, she could defend Addison today. And what’s more, she found herself increasingly curious as to just what Addison’s reasons might have been. Maybe Derek had lied to her at some point too, and the cheating was revenge? Or maybe not. All she knew was that she no longer trusted Derek, and so she was shifting her loyalty to the one person in this situation who had yet to lie to her. 


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard gives Addison an offer that she doesn't think she wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back y'all. and I DID it. I wrote an entire chapter from Addison's POV. finally. Now that I've done one I think I will try to split the pov more evenly between Addie and Mer in future chapters.

Addison went through the cafeteria line with just a chicken salad sandwich wrapped to-go on her tray. Glancing around the seating area, she was painfully aware that she knew almost no one here in Seattle, and the one person she did know, she was absolutely not welcome to sit with. Not that she wanted to sit with Derek anyways. She was still furious with him for moving so abruptly to Seattle and refusing to return her calls. Although it was true, when Richard called asking her to come work on the TTTS case, a small part of her couldn't help but think about the possible opportunities. She imagined that she'd arrive in Seattle and sweep Derek off his feet and remind him how great they were together. And if all else failed, she was prepared to beg him to come back to her. As much as it pained her to admit it, when she left New York, she was prepared to do anything, no matter how humiliating, to get him back.

But all that changed when she entered the hospital and saw Derek helping a young woman into her coat. She felt as though she'd been slapped across the face. Sure it had been months since Derek had left, and she  _ had _ cheated on him. But he had always been so loyal. She never expected he would move on this quickly.

Unfortunately, it was clear by the way he looked at this younger woman, all soft and tender, that he cared for her, and she was definitely more than just a friend. And so, it was then, as Addison tried to gather her confidence and steady herself, that she decided she was done. Whatever it was Derek wanted in life, she was clearly not it, and she refused to fight for someone who didn't want her. Now, surveying the tables spread out in front of her, and still feeling the sting of Derek's rejection, Addison decided she didn't have the emotional energy to navigate the horribly highschool-like atmosphere that was the Seattle Grace hospital cafeteria. Instead, she took her sandwich and went to check on the one person in Seattle who  _ was  _ still her friend.

* * *

"Richard?" she knocked to announce her presence before peeking her head around the door to Richard Webber's hospital room. "Hey, how are you holding up?" She tried to lean casually against the door jam, not wanting Richard to pick up on her depressed mood.

"Oh I'm just fine!" he replied brightly, trying to sit up a little straighter in his hospital bed. "I just wish they'd discharge me already so I can get back to work. How are you liking Seattle?" he asked with a measured look.

"Seattle I like fine," Addison said. "Working with my husband, on the other hand, not so much."

"Yes, I have to admit, the two of you have not had the happy reunion I had hoped for" Richard said darkly. "You have to talk some sense into him Addie. Dating an intern" he scoffed, "you know this can't be permanent right?" 

"Richard," Addison sighed, "It's really none of my business what Derek does anymore. I think I gave up the right to lecture him when I slept with his best friend. Honestly, I think divorce might be best for both of us anyway. It's not like our marriage was going well before the affair anyway."

"You're breaking my heart Addie," Richard shook his head. "What happened to your fighting spirit?"

"I just... I don't know," Addison felt suddenly lost. Richard was right, what had happened? When had she stopped fighting for Derek? She had a sinking feeling it had been long before he had left, long before she'd slept with Mark even. If she'd truly been fighting for her marriage, if she'd truly wanted to save it, she would have done something about it before she got to that point. As she stood, trying not to wither under Richards disapproving gaze, she realized that by the time their marriage was truly in trouble, she was just too damn tired to keep fighting. And honestly, she was still just so tired. At some point between her first year of residency and becoming the double-board certified neonatal attending she is today, she had lost her fighting spirit where her personal life was concerned. Was she still able to fight in the professional sphere? Obviously. Her job had become her everything. Which meant she had no energy left to put into her marriage, and neither, it seemed, had Derek. Clearly they both needed to re-evaluate their priorities, but she feared their marriage was too far gone. Any improvement that they could make to their ability to balance surgery with relationships would do little good to repair the damage that they had already done to each other.

"I think," Addison said, more to herself than to Richard, "that Derek and I both just need a clean slate. And for it to truly be clean, it can't be with each other. We both made mistakes, we both failed to reserve time and energy for each other. And now it's too late. I don't think he can ever truly forgive my betrayal, and I don't know if I can forgive his. It would be unfair of me to hang on. To deny him the chance for a clean slate. And honestly, Meredith Grey isn't the worst person he could have chosen to start over with."

"Meredith Grey is a  _ child _ " Richard groused. "It's irresponsible."

But, Addison was losing patience with the direction of this conversation. "You know what Richard, you should just be happy I'm not angry at you for meddling in my personal life. Because honestly, luring me here with surgery and then demanding that I magically fix my marriage? Highly unprofessional."

"Oh relax Addie, that's not actually why I invited you here. Although I have to admit I was not completely without ulterior motive. I actually just needed an excuse for you to see the hospital, work an interesting case, and get to know some of the other surgeons because I want you to run my obstetrics and gynecology service. And, if you play your cards right, you might even be in the running for Chief of Surgery."

"You're retiring?" Addison gawked at him in disbelief.

"Well, not immediately, but I'm not getting any younger you know. Why do you think I got Derek to come all the way out here?"

"I thought he was just running away from me," she looked skeptical.

"Oh he was doing that too," Richard assured her.

"I don't know, Richard. My life is in New York, and I  _ just _ told you I don't want to work with Derek any more than absolutely necessary," Addison sighed.

"Alright!” Richard placated “Just think about it. Whatever is going on with Derek, you need to figure out what your goals are: what you want out of life now. All I'm saying is, whatever life you had in New York, it doesn't seem to have been working for you. You didn't just lose your marriage, you lost yourself. Even while surrounded by all your so-called friends and family and with a thriving career, you became so lonely and unhappy that you hurt the one person you loved most."

Before Addison could protest, Richard continued, "I know, I know, Derek played his own part and has to take his own responsibility as well. But Addie, your happiness cannot completely rely on another person. There's a word for that, and it's Co-Dependence. You need to figure out what you want for yourself and how you're going to get it. And what better place to start than here. You said you wanted a clean slate, that's what I'm offering you."

"I meant a clean slate from my  _ marriage _ . How is it a clean slate if I'm working with my husband?" Addison could hear the pleading in her own voice and hated that Richard was right about her life in New York. She wondered if it would be worth it. If she could make new friends here and start a life that didn't revolve around Derek... or Mark... or anyone else from her past. But then she remembered the discomfort of standing in the cafeteria, looking for someone, anyone, who wasn't friends with Derek, to talk to. She sighed.

Richard was talking again, but he sounded muted and far away as Addison let her thoughts wander. She was surprised to realize that she didn't hate Meredith Grey. And Meredith, against all odds, seemed to like her. Maybe being friends with Meredith could be a good start. But, as soon as she thought it, she had to shake her head to clear  _ that _ thought out of her mind, and she tried not to laugh at her own desperation. No, being friends with Meredith wasn't an option. That was too close to Derek.

Her pager beeped, and she looked down to see that her lunch break was already over and she was due to meet Meredith to prep their patient for surgery.

"Ok, how about this," she interrupted Richard mid ramble. "I will stay for one more week, as a sort of trial period. Then I will decide. Now, you should get some rest. You did just have brain surgery you know." She smiled at Richard, letting him know that she couldn't stay  _ too _ mad at him, and turned back out into the hallway to make her way to the OB wing. 


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison and Meredith have a scrub room chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes a time jump of about 5 days and is still Addison's POV. Next chapter we'll get back to Mer and find out where her mind is at :)

Meredith was staring at her. Addison could feel it. And it wasn't the innocent good-student-paying-attention-to-learn-surgery kind of stare. No, this stare was piercing. Addison risked a discrete glance over at the intern. Meredith had a focused yet puzzled look on her face, but Addison felt like Meredith's eyes could see through her very soul with their intensity. Addison felt uncomfortable. But she tried to proceed as usual, hoping that Meredith's attention would naturally return to medicine, where it belonged. She looked back down at the soap foaming over her hands, keen not to make eye contact.

"So, Dr. Grey. If you were performing this omphalocele repair, what kind of suture would you use to close?" she asked with perfected nonchalance.

Addison could feel Meredith pause mid scrub and caught a shake of her head in her peripheral vision. _That's it. Snap out of it Grey,_ Addison thought.

"Well, I'd want something absorbable to prevent suture erosion. PDS is absorbable, but slowly, so maybe instead I'd use polyglactin," Meredith responded confidently, turning from the sink to face Addison, now that her hands were sufficiently washed and rinsed. Addison too had finished scrubbing in and turned to face the intern properly, her hands held up to avoid contamination.

"Good answer Grey. Seems like someone _has_ been paying attention."

Meredith gave her a confused look, clearly unsure where the semi-passive aggressive intonation was coming from. "Thank you, Dr. Shepherd. I am trying my very best."

Addison winced at the use of her married name. She had served Derek the divorce papers two days ago. Technically she could go and officially change her name back to Montgomery any time now. She wasn't really sure why she hadn't yet, but being called Shepherd now just felt wrong. If she were honest, it had never really felt right to begin with. Why had she even taken his name? Plenty of women get married and keep their own names. And now a large percent of her professional achievements would be recognized under his name instead of hers. Not to mention changing your name in a field where name recognition and publication are important was no easy task. She suddenly wanted to scream in frustration.

Meredith must have noticed the change in her face because she softly attempted to calm her. "Addison," Meredith switched to her first name. "Are you OK?" The weight of the question felt much greater than what had passed just now in this tiny scrub room. Meredith was staring at her again, but this time in concern.

"I'm fine. We should um..." Addison gestured vaguely towards to door into the OR. As she turned to lead the way out of the scrub room, she shook herself a little, trying to clear her head. She had a surgery to perform.

* * *

The surgery went well, and they finished closing without complications. Soon, Addison found herself alone in the scrub room with Meredith once again.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd. For letting me scrub in," Meredith said earnestly as they began to wash their hands. "I really learned a lot this surgery."

"No need to thank me. You prepared well, you deserved the opportunity," Addison smiled. Then, realizing only after she said it that she'd finally committed to the decision, she added "And please, don't call me Shepherd anymore. It's Montgomery."

At Meredith's startled look, she explained, "I'm getting divorced." But that only caused Meredith's eyes to widen even more in surprise.

"What? Derek didn't tell you?" Addison asked. Honestly, that surprised her. She knew her arrival had created a wedge in Meredith and Derek's relationship, but she'd assumed they were working through it.

"I...uh" Meredith hesitated a little, "no. Derek didn't tell me. I'm not really speaking to him much these days."

"Oh," Addison responded awkwardly. "well, I'm sorry."

"You're sorry." Meredith was clearly confused again.

"Well, I just..." but Addison trailed off unsure what she should even be trying to say. But apparently it was enough to buy Meredith's mind time to catch up with the conversation.

"I just mean... I kind of assumed that the reason you were still here was to... you know," Meredith paused, looking at Addison expectantly. When Addison still said nothing she braced herself and said "I just thought you were here to get Derek back. That's all."

"Right." Addison felt like they were at an impasse. They hadn't really talked about Derek at all since their first day working together. Addison had no idea how Meredith felt about Derek right now, or how she felt about Addison for that matter. She vaguely wondered if requesting Meredith to be on her service so often was actually torturing the younger woman... She hadn't seemed uncomfortable since that first patient, but maybe she was just putting on a brave face. Addison felt unexpectedly guilty.

"Well, actually, I'm still here as a favor to Richard. He offered me a job. Don't worry, I don't want it. I fully intend to return to New York, it's just that Richard is a good friend, so I had to do my due diligence and make it at least seem like I was seriously considering it," Addison finally explained.

"Oh, ok."

Addison couldn't quite read Meredith's tone. Was she surprised? relieved? none of the above? Addison had no idea. But then Meredith spoke again.

"Since we're talking like this, can I ask you another question?"

They had both finished scrubbing out and Addison turned to lean against the large stainless steel sink. Meredith followed suit and they stood next to each other, backs to the sinks, close enough that if Addison moved her arm just slightly, it would brush Meredith's. Meredith seemed to be gathering her thoughts.

"Why do you keep requesting to have me on your service?" Meredith turned her head to look directly at Addison, who was startled by the question. Addison opened her mouth, trying to come up with some kind of answer, but gave up and shut it again.

"You know," Meredith continued, "I don't actually plan to be a neonatal surgeon, and honestly, if this continues, I'm going to miss out on important experience in other specialties. This is our eighth surgery together in six days, and I don't think Bailey approves." Meredith paused, but before Addison could even try to respond again she was plowing on, seemingly convinced that she needed to further explain herself.

"I know, I know you don't plan to stay here long term. So maybe it doesn't matter. And I don't want you to feel like I don't want to work with you. This isn't personal. I just... I needed to say this, in case you _do_ end up staying. There are other talented interns who would love to learn from you, even if they do think you're Satan." Meredith winced when she realized she'd said that last part out loud, but Addison just looked amused now.

"Okay, I get it." Addison finally said. "But I'm not staying."

Addison tried to process what Meredith had said and realized that she herself didn't really know why she'd been monopolizing Meredith's education. It hadn't been a conscious decision to continue requesting Meredith for six days straight.

"I think," she said finally, realizing that she still owed Meredith some sort of explanation, "it was just easier to continue working with you than to have to start over with a new intern every day." Now she was just thinking out loud, not having given any of this an ounce of thought before Meredith brought it up. "Richard apparently invited me here in order to force me to get to know the hospital and the other surgeons so that he could lure me away from New York. And I don't... I don't like feeling like I'm being manipulated." She finally made eye contact with Meredith. This was one thing that she was sure they had in common. "I think taking on other interns felt like it would be investing myself in the program, and I was afraid it would tempt me to actually stay. And I... I can't stay. Even if it's tempting. My life is in New York. So, refusing to work with and get to know other surgeons? that was my way of rebelling against Richard I suppose. It does seem immature doesn't it?" she smiled at Meredith, "of course, I didn't realize that's what I was doing at the time," she clarified, "I'm not an insane person. But it is true, that I'm much less likely to get attached to my husband's girlfriend than anyone else here," she chuckled darkly.

"Right..." Meredith looked at her with a pensive expression. "You know I'm not his girlfriend anymore don't you?"

"Oh?" Addison realized that perhaps it should have been obvious when Meredith initially mentioned that she and Derek weren't speaking. But Addison and Derek had gone through many silent periods in their relationship before they actually called it quits, so she hadn't assumed that not being on speaking terms at the moment actually meant anything for Derek and Meredith's relationship status.

"I'm surprised Derek didn't tell you," Meredith said honestly, "He's still pretty upset about it."

"Yeah, well, as you say, I'm not really speaking to Derek much these days," Addison couldn't help but smile, an amused glint in her eye.

"Touche," Meredith chuckled, and Addison felt some of the tension finally disperse. It felt like some sort of progress had just been made, but progress toward what? Addison wasn't sure. She had a plane ticket back to New York in two days, and she still planned to take it. 


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith is finally off Addison's service, and she feels weird about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few things: First, I realized about halfway through writing this chapter that Callie isn't actually introduced in the show yet at the point in canon where this fic takes place... but I decided that I don't care lol. I want Callie in this fic because I want to write about her friendship with Addison and also just because the audience wasn't introduced to Callie until the end of the season, presumably the characters were actually working with her off and on throughout their entire internship since she was already there as a resident when they arrived. So, I'm going to go with that assumption. She probably has her own group of interns, but since in canon she's pretty much running Ortho on her own since her attending is shitty and unreliable, we're going to imagine that she has borrowed Bailey's interns a lot (since she post season 2 she does) and they know who she is even if they aren't friends with her yet/she isn't dating George yet. (also honestly now that i've diverged from canon i might just... not include the whole Callie/George thing at all... we'll see). Second, this is probably the most lazy chapter i've written... because it's been forever since I updated and I just needed to write SOMETHING to get back into it. So this is more just a deep dive into Meredith's musings and a way to set up another Meredith/Addison interaction. Hope y'all enjoy it (even tho it's probably not good/doesn't even have a plot LOL)

Meredith was on Callie’s service the next day. It seemed Addison was respecting Meredith’s wishes and had not requested her for her service, even though Meredith knew Addison would still be in Seattle for a couple more days. Meredith was relieved to have a break from mothers and babies and was even having fun with the more physical work associated with orthopedics (Callie was scary strong she realized). But for some reason, she found herself missing Addison. She missed the subtle smile or the bright glint Addison would get in her eyes when Meredith answered a question correctly or had a useful idea about a case. Almost like she was proud of her, or like she admired her in some small way. Of course, Callie was just as supportive. Perhaps even more outwardly supportive, cheering her on enthusiastically and offering high fives whenever the two of them succeeded in a task or procedure. So why did Meredith find herself craving  _ Addison’s _ approval? Why was the feeling different when Callie would joke with a patient compared to the warmth that would flutter in Meredith’s stomach every time a patient said something Addison found amusing, and Addison, who always wore a mask of professionalism and hardly allowed herself to laugh out loud in a patient’s presence, would instead make eye contact with Meredith and share a subtle smirk. Meredith realized she had become extremely good at recognizing the traces of mirth that danced in Addison’s eyes when she was trying not to laugh. No one else in the room would imagine Addison was that close to breaking character, so to speak, but Meredith always knew, and always had to try her best not to react outwardly with her own amusement. Sometimes she failed. Sometimes she’d look at Addison and couldn’t help but let out a snort, or even a full laugh which she tried to disguise as a cough. 

Working with Callie, on the other hand, meant none of that was necessary. Callie was much more laid back, and if something funny was happening, Callie had no problem allowing everyone in the room to see how amused she was. In fact, Meredith thought Callie’s openness as a human being with a sense of humor actually put patients much more at ease. Meredith herself felt more relaxed working with Callie, knowing she was allowed to have human reactions to anything that might happen in the exam room. But still, she missed that secret communication she and Addison had developed over the past week. And maybe the fact that it was secret, subtextual, communication was the reason she missed it. It felt somehow more special when it was preserved just between them. Or maybe she felt some odd ownership or satisfaction in the fact that she was one of the few people in Seattle who really  _ knew _ Addison at all.

It took all of Meredith’s self-control not to continue down this line of inquiry in her own mind. After all, she was supposed to be working, supposed to be learning, supposed to be paying attention to what Callie was doing. So she took a deep breath and tried to center herself. Thankfully the rest of the morning went without incident, and she managed not to think about Addison again for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, it appeared she hadn’t quite gone unnoticed with all her on-the-job overthinking. 

“You did good today Grey,” Callie said as she and Meredith finally made their way back to the locker rooms at the end of their shift. “I was a little worried at first when your head didn’t seem to be showing up to work this morning, but you pulled it together!” 

“Oh, so you did notice that,” Meredith said cautiously. She had hoped she’d been able to better hide her lack of focus that morning and she dreaded any line of questioning about it.

“It was kind of hard to miss you know. What with you staring at the same spot on the wall for 5 minutes straight while I reset a dislocated shoulder. Usually, interns are more interested when I’m doing something so physically demanding,” Callie responded with a shrug. “You doing okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Meredith said unconvincingly. Callie gave her a skeptical look. “Okay maybe I’m not fine, I don’t know, but I don’t wanna talk about it.” 

“Alright then… don’t worry, I won’t pry,” Callie reassured her. “God knows the entire hospital knows too much about your life now. I don’t envy you. Man, sleeping with an attending is always a risk, but having said attending’s wife show up and then having to work on her service for a week? That’s a whole new level of drama.”

“Yeah, it really is,” Meredith responded absentmindedly. Meredith had little interest in hearing about what “the entire hospital” had to say about her love life, so she started tuning Callie out as Callie went on about how terrible the nurses were about gossiping and how click-ish the hospital was. She changed out of her scrubs in a semi-robotic trance, only voicing half-hearted affirmations of agreement when Callie paused long enough in her rant to warrant a response. 

“Anyways, sorry for the rant,” Callie said as they made their way back out to the hospital lobby. “I know you’re probably the last person who needs to be reminded of how sucky some people in this hospital are.” 

“Oh, no worries,” Meredith responded sincerely. If Callie was happy to rant, Meredith wasn’t going to complain because, as long as Callie didn’t need her active participation in this conversation, Meredith was free to think. But just then, Meredith saw a swish of red hair across the lobby as Addison swept out of the hospital doors and into the dark parking lot. 

“I uh…” Meredith said distracted, “I have to go now, but I’ll see you later Dr. Torres.” She turned, for just a moment to give Callie her full attention as they bid each other goodnight, and then made her way outside as quickly as she could without obviously chasing after Addison. 

Breaking out into the cool night air Meredith paused for a moment to get her bearings and let her eyes adjust to the dark. She glanced around for any sign that Addison was still within reach. With a sigh of relief, she saw Addison not far off, leaning back against the side of the building. She appeared to be on the phone. Without really processing what she was doing, Meredith quickly made her way to one of the benches in front of the hospital entrance from which she could keep an eye on Addison. She pulled out her own cell phone to appear as though she were actually doing something and not just spying on her ex's soon to be ex-wife. When, a few minutes later, she saw Addison push herself off the wall as she slipped her phone back into her coat pocket, Meredith got up and made her way towards her as casually as she could. 

“Hey,” Meredith called out as she got closer.

“Meredith. Hi!” Addison responded in surprise. Together they began to walk further toward the parking lot. 

“I missed working with you today,” Meredith said honestly. She realized she had no idea what she was doing, or why, so she decided to just let herself speak unfiltered. Whatever was supposed to happen would happen. 

Addison paused midstep, looking even more surprised. “But you did actually  _ not _ want to be on my service today, right?”

“Well, yeah. I was with Callie today, so I got to learn a lot about bones… and cartilage, and stuff,” Meredith trailed off. Addison chuckled, walking in step with Meredith again. “But just because I enjoyed learning new things, doesn’t mean I can’t still miss you,” Meredith finished. 

“Alright,” Addison responded, turning her head to study Meredith. “Well, if we’re being honest, then I actually really missed having you on my service also. Of course, Izzie is a perfectly capable intern, but it was starting over. Things didn’t go nearly as smoothly since she didn’t already know my expectations and I didn’t have any sense of her strengths and previous knowledge.”

“It’s a little weird that we only worked together for a week and have already developed such a routine, isn’t it?” Meredith laughed. 

“A little,” Addison smiled, “but I’ve experienced this before. Sometimes you just work well with someone. You know, professionally you just click.” 

Meredith thought about that for a moment. Was that what this was? They just happened to be professionally suited for each other and also happened to have bonded over their mutual pain over Derek? Did it matter what their connection was really about if Addison was leaving soon anyway?

“So, you’re heading back to New York soon right?” Meredith heard herself ask.

“Ah, I see how it is. You just want to know when I’ll be out of your hair. You want your territory back.” From Addison’s tone, one might not have been able to tell that she was joking. But Meredith was looking at her face again and could recognize the signs of amusement. 

“Oh yes, definitely. You gotta get out of my house ASAP,” she joked back. 

“Yeah right. You’re house,” Addison chuckled. “But in all seriousness, tomorrow is my last day at the hospital, and then I have a flight early Thursday morning.”

“Oh. That’s really soon.” Meredith had known it would be soon, but it was still strange to realize she only had one more day before she would likely never see Addison again. All of this would soon fade to memory. Perhaps if Addison were gone long enough she would even fall back into old habits with Derek and life would continue on as though Addison had never made an appearance at all. For some reason the thought made her want to cry. 

“Yeah, well I did only promise Richard a week, and I’ve been here eight days. My _actual_ job awaits my return.” Addison was still smiling, but Meredith thought she saw a hint of conflict… or maybe regret hiding beneath the surface.

“Well, in that case, if I don’t see you again before you leave, have a safe flight and good luck in New York… and all that,” Meredith said awkwardly. She was nearing her car and she knew she had no real reason to keep Addison from the rest of her evening. 

“Thank you, Meredith,” Addison responded graciously. “I’m sure I’ll still see you around at some point before I leave though.”

“Hopefully,” Meredith affirmed, before indicating that they had reached her car. "This is me. So I guess I'll let you get going. Goodnight Dr. Montgomery," she said. 

Addison smiled at the use of her maiden name. Free from Derek at last. "Goodnight, Meredith." 

Meredith let herself just sit in the driver’s seat for a few minutes watching Addison walk away before she realized that she was supposed to be giving Izzie and George a ride home, and she couldn’t actually leave yet. She’d been so distracted by Addison that she’d completely forgotten to check in with them when she got out of surgery. Quickly texting to let them know she was waiting in the car, she leaned her seat back, closed her eyes, and tried to just focus on breathing. She needed to clear her head. Of everything. Of Derek, of Addison, of the hospital gossip cycle of which she was temporarily the center. She needed to take a moment to just _be_ without all the painful and confusing feelings. She cracked the window slightly, breathing in the fresh air, and tried to just enjoy the peace and quiet. 


	6. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison left for New York and Meredith has unexpected feelings about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like... this chapter was hard to write. Part of me wanted to do a time jump, but the next part I have outlined is from Addison's POV and I wanted to be consistent with my pattern of two chapters per POV so I needed another Mer chapter... and then I wrote a whole chapter yesterday that ended up going completely not where I meant for it to go so today I ended up scrapping the entire thing... I think this turned out a bit better, and it will def work better with what I have planned later on, but it still feels a little too much like a filler chapter for my liking. I wish i could have somehow moved the plot forward a bit more but eh. Honestly this was never very plot driven to begin with so if you've made it this far hopefully you'll still like this XD.

True to her word, Addison left Seattle early that Thursday morning. Meredith hadn’t really expected anything different, but she began to realize as the day wore on, that maybe subconsciously she’d hoped Addison would stay. What was more, Meredith realized, with not a small amount of confusion, that she felt overly disappointed that she hadn’t had a chance to say a proper goodbye the night before. Not that she hadn’t thought about tracking Addison down at multiple points throughout her last day in Seattle, but she’d been on cardio service with Burke and hadn’t had much reason or opportunity to seek Addison out in the OB wing. To top it all off, she and Burke had been pulled into an emergency surgery right at what was supposed to be the end of Addison’s shift, so she couldn’t even chase her down in the parking lot as she’d done the previous evening. 

Meredith wondered if anyone had been there to see her off, or if Addison had simply ended her shift and slipped out into the night never to return. Well… that sounded much darker than she meant it. Of course she was sure Addison was fine, probably sitting in some airport, maybe Chicago, waiting on a layover. Or maybe she was sleeping on the plane. Or working on the plane. Meredith thought Addison must be the kind of person who could buy a first class ticket and set up an entire home office at her seat. At any rate, she was sure Addison had stopped by to say goodbye to the Chief at least, so her departure couldn’t have been fully unacknowledged. It was odd, that Meredith was so bothered by the fact that Addison might have left Seattle without so much as a goodbye or thank you or anything from anyone. But she tried not to think too much about it. 

At this point in her musing, Meredith realized that she’d been standing at the bathroom sink, washing her hands with increasingly non-existent soap, for the past ten minutes. Honestly she was surprised she’s made it through the day without spacing out this badly, considering how preoccupied she’d been with all things Addison. She probably would have thought about it more yesterday too had she not been distracted by how awkward she felt working with Burke now that Cristina had officially made her appointment, and Burke still had no idea she was even pregnant. 

Quickly drying her hands and giving herself a little shake to clear her head, Meredith finally made her way out of the bathroom. She rushed to the locker room to grab her belongings and then jogged out to the hospital lobby. She was supposed to be meeting up with Cristina at the end of their shift, but her prolonged distraction in the bathroom had now made her late. 

“Finally!” Cristina said impatiently as she stood from the chair she’d been seated in waiting for Meredith. “You ready to go now?”

“Yep. All set. Sorry for the hold up.” Meredith tried to be nonchalant. She really didn’t have an excuse should Cristina ask what had taken her so long. Somehow she didn’t think that “I was having an existential crisis about why everything Addison is fucking with my head so much” would fly. 

Thankfully, Cristina didn’t pry. She just turned and led the way out to the parking lot. They were headed back to Meredith’s house because Cristina was avoiding Burke, but wasn’t in the mood to go to Joe’s (especially since Burke might actually show up at Joe’s once he realized Cristina wasn’t home). 

“Maybe you should just talk to him about it,” Meredith tentatively suggested. Cristina, however, snorted at the idea. 

“Yeah, I’ll just casually mention that I’m pregnant and getting an abortion and don’t want his opinion about it at all. He’ll be _f_ _ ine _ with that.” The sarcasm was thick in her voice, almost completely masking the real fear and anxiety that Meredith knew was also present. 

“Okay,” Meredith placated. “I’m just trying to help.”

“I know,” Cristina sighed, before climbing into Meredith’s passenger seat. 

The ride home was quiet as both women contemplated their own respective situations, and Meredith again found herself thinking back to the night before. She wondered what she even would have said to Addison had she not been dragged into surgery. It’s not like there was really anything left to be said. They had successfully cleared the air where Derek was concerned and expressed their mutual respect and appreciation. So why did Meredith still have the niggling feeling that something was left unfinished. Maybe it was  _ because _ they had cleared the air that she now felt Addison’s absence as such a loss. Perhaps she was really just feeling the loss of a potential friendship or even the loss of a mentor. It was true she’d worked more seamlessly with Addison than any other attending, with the exception maybe of Derek back when their relationship was still good and she could practically anticipate his every move in the OR. Yes, that must be it, because otherwise none of these feelings made sense. 

It was with a subdued air that Meredith pulled into her driveway. 

“You know,” Cristina said, finally breaking the silence as the two stepped out of the car, “Yesterday I thought you’d be excited that Addison was leaving. But now you just look like a kicked puppy. What happened?” 

“What?” Meredith said blankly, trying to refocus. 

“You’re all,” Cristina gestured wildly at her, “dark and twisty.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Meredith said, “I was just thinking.” 

“About…?” Cristina drew the question out unnecessarily.

“Nothing,” Meredith replied. “Really. Tonight is supposed to be about  _ you _ . So, how are you holding up?” 

Cristina eyed Meredith suspiciously before apparently deciding to let it go… for now. Instead she allowed Meredith to play her role as the supportive friend while they talked through the logistics of Cristina’s upcoming appointment the following week and whether or not Meredith thought Burke was getting suspicious of Cristina’s avoidance or Meredith’s awkwardness. Cristina and Meredith would both take the day off on Wednesday so Meredith could drive Cristina to and from the clinic and keep an eye on her the rest of the day, and then Meredith would go back to work on Thursday while Cristina stayed over at her house for a couple more days. Meredith thought it would be better for Cristina to recover at her place so that between her, George, Izzie, and Alex there would likely be at least someone home should anything go wrong. Cristina hadn’t exactly figured out what excuse to give Burke, but at least staying away from their apartment would keep him from asking too many questions about how she was feeling or why she wasn’t going to work. 

Eventually George and Izzie made their way home from Joe’s, slightly intoxicated, and any more serious discussion was put on hold as they tried to pull Meredith and Cristina into their drunken ramblings about the coworkers they’d run into at the bar and a game of darts gone wrong. It wasn’t such a terrible thing, honestly, having that distraction. And Meredith found that she was able to keep herself from checking her phone until much later, when Izzie and George eventually crashed, and Cristina admitted that she should probably be getting home to Burke. 

As she lay in bed going through her notifications, Meredith found that she was disappointed not to have a message from Addison. Not that she had asked Addison to check in with her, but some part of her had still hoped that maybe Addison would let her know that she’d gotten back to New York safe and sound. She opened their last text exchange. While technically they had pagers to communicate with while on the job, Addison had given Meredith her personal cell number during the TTTS case in case there was a complication while Addison wasn’t at the hospital. Most of the texts were brief, case related questions. Although in some ways it did represent the strictly professional nature of their relationship, it also felt like an extremely sterilized version of it. Surely they’d had more of a connection than just the sharing of medical knowledge. Well… obviously there was Derek, which had made things personal from the beginning, but towards the end Meredith had felt like there was something else. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Maybe that was what felt unfinished. Her thumb hovered over the keys as she contemplated creating a new text. But instead she just sighed and snapped the phone shut. She reached blindly over to feel for the charger cable she kept draped over her night stand and plugged the phone in before rolling over in an attempt to sleep. Unfortunately, as much as she tried, it was still hours before she was able to quiet her mind and give in to slumber. 


End file.
